Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning – and you dont know where the spider is.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.



Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when youre right, but he just hasnt realized it yet.



Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit inquire.



Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* made the dinner.



Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.



Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.



Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.



Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.



Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.



Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.



Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.



Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See Magician.



Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isnt coming out anytime soon.



Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus, breath push…



Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear…!



Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, to go somewhere and neck. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.



Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also tranquilizers.



Valentines Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.



Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.



Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself …anyway.