Personal Hygiene

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a womans jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using ones own truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save
hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this
method.
The first rule of shaving is to take your time. A man who is always
clean-shaven runs the risk of being labeled a sissy or an international
banker.
Its recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and
under-arms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair in
these body regions attractive.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Fashion

Pearls with a tube top? Yes, they are an excellent example of
understated elegance but never before April.
No matter how durable, Army boots are not proper footwear for mothers.
And hip waders are not considered dress pants.
As to proper clothing for men, this subject can be summarized in a
single phrase: No collar, no tie.

Dining Out

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly
from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
In regards to table conversation, avoid stories about car wrecks,
operations, or sick pets. Nothing ruins a good meal quicker than someone
getting sick or sentimental at the table.
While okay at home, its considered crass to ask, Are you gonna eat the
rest of that meatloaf? Especially if you dont know the person.
Many establishments frown on the use of a doggie bag at an
all-you-can-eat salad bar. Avoid these pretentious places.
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Out for the Evening

Sometimes you might find yourself in social settings where you dont know
anyone. Here are a few lines that have been proven effective in breaking
the ice:

My old lady wants to get to know you.
I bought some pearls just like those at a yard sale last weekend.
Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?
How long have you had that thing on your nose?
Is that a new tattoo?
Whens your parole up?

Entertaining in your Home

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his
manners are.
Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
Establish early in the evening what is okay to spit in and whats not
okay to spit in.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Always wipe your hands before picking your teeth.
Make your guests feel at home. Let them adjust the rabbit ears on the
TV, and make the dog give up the couch.
If guests overstay their welcome, a friendly hint may be in order, such
as, Yall are either gonna have to leave or chip in on the rent.

Dating (Outside the Family)

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: Ive been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the mens bathroom wall two years
ago.
Shower her with compliments: You aint near as ugly as your sister.
And that scar barely shows when you get up close.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00. Others might say Monday. If the latter is the answer, its the
boys responsibility to get her to school on time.
If a girls name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustration.
Even if you cant get a date, avoid kidnapping. Its bad for your
reputation.

Theater Etiquette

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
Do not ask the concession stand attendant for the nacho cheese recipe.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they cant hear you.

Weddings

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also
a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
For the reception, reserve the VFW far in advance, and avoid Saturdays
since thats square dancing night.
When going through the receiving line, its proper to say something nice
to the bride such as, Your baby is real cute.
If someone asks where the bride is registered, do not answer, The
American Kennel Club.
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
How many bridal attendants should the bride have? One for each of her
kids.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Driving Etiquette

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
Never play Chinese fire drill with handicapped passengers, especially if
parked on a hill.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
When traveling with your family, try to keep their mooning of other
drivers to a minimum.
Remember that the median is not a passing lane.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips for all Occasions

Dont make company sleep on dirty sheets. Give them directions to the
laundromat.
Its considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If your dog falls in love with a guests leg, have the decency to leave
them alone for a few minutes.
Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date.
Even if youre certain that you are included in the will, its
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Teach your children proper telephone etiquette. Nothing is more
embarrassing than hearing Junior say, We aint seen Daddy in eight days,
and Mamas too drunk to come to the phone.
At a baby shower, never ask, Do you have any idea who the father is?
Never take a beer to a job interview.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially
if other people are around.
If you have to vacuum the bed, its time to change the sheets.
One should tip a valet extra if he has to push or jump-start your car.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
When leaving town for the weekend, parents should not board their kids
at the local kennel.
At a funeral, when viewing the body, never say, He looks so
natural–like he just got drunk and passed out.
No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were
stolen from a cemetery.
Always say Excuse me after getting sick in someone elses car.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.