Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers…

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My wife and I cant come to the phone right now, but if youll leave your name and number, well get back to you as soon as were finished.

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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why were not here. So leave a message.

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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didnt lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, dont worry, I have plenty of money.

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Hi, Im not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

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Hi! Johns answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and Ill stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

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Hello, this is Sallys microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so Im stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

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Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If youre still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

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This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and Ill think about returning your call.

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Hi. I am probably home. Im just avoiding someone I dont like. Leave me a message, and if I dont call back, its you.

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Hi, this is George. Im sorry I cant answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

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If you are a burglar, then were probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and cant come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably arent home and its safe to leave us a message.

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Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Hello, youve reached Jim and Sonya. We cant pick up the phone right now, because were doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … real slowly. So leave a message, and when were done brushing our teeth, well get back to you.