Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Im not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Rounds a shape!

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then its you.

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.