* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* All generalizations are false.

* As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.

* Montana — At least our cows are sane!

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Your kid may be an honor student but youre still an IDIOT!

* Friends dont let friends drive naked.

* I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

* Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* According to my calculations the problem doesnt exist.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!

* Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

* Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.

* Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who cant.

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

* Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas – Taking the dog. –Dorothy.

* Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

* Im out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?