19
Jun

Barbies Wed Like To See


Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with
horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled
materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper
and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie
with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the
ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls,
protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on
union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men.
Waitressing outfits and cashiers aprons may be purchased separately
for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends
meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct
Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own
speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so
that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly,
non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual
responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys,
expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and
breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has
the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the
cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke,
prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional:
tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes
with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini- rosary
beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nuns habit (after all,
shes still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing
because shes taken a vow of silence.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in
midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry,
hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says
things like I dont think so, Dang, get outta my face, and You
go, girl. Teaches girls not to take crap from men and condesending
White people.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an
autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says
Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love
handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, generous breast and butt,
and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also
beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o
Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmanns walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice
cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading Only the Weak
Dont Eat, and, of course, an appetite.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little
pay (80% of Admin Kens salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole
despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with
mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and shell Schedule+ a
meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the
laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline
tickets for Director Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent,
hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the
box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone
tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back
and shell stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why
she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing
cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions
which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie Pull
the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death
threats for her exs new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a
Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring
finger).

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back
and she says, Hi, Im Barbie and Im an alcoholic. Comes with a One
Day At A Time bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her
Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live
rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets,
and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll
offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use
out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a
horse.

Americas Most Wanted Barbie: Shes on the run
after 30 years of crime against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this
Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like
how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbies struggle with bulimia,
Kens who wear Barbies clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling
issues as regular teens who dont have huge wardrobes, perfect bods,
pools, and ponies.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American
dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after
Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder
stateswoman of the Barbie set (shes 27!) arrives in the playhouse,
all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

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