14
Dec

Barney, original

Once again, as a service to the readers of the Politics list,
I submitted the following as an article in the Virtual World
News (our very own Electronic Tabloid Paper, run by me.)

THE VIRTUAL WORLD NEWS
Dont read anything else.
We really mean it.

TV STAR TEARFULLY ADMITS, I WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD, FILES LAWSUIT

AGAINST HOLLYWOOD BIGWIGS FOR EXPLOITATION

The cushiony king of childrens public television says his life hasnt been
as soft as it may appear. Barney T. Dinosaur, in an emotional press conference
last week, admitted that his upbringing at the hooves of other dinosaurs
was a harrowing experience.

Nobody liked me, the star said, as he filed a formal lawsuit against
Steven Spielberg and various persons and institutions involved with
the making of the film Jurassic Park. The suit contends that Barney,
as the last surviving member of the species is entitled to be compensated for
the use of his family name (Barneys middle name, it appears, is
Tyrannosaurus–The is just a stage name) and history. For the hell
I went through as a little-saur, Barney said, I deserve every cent I can
get. Even the bracheosaurs used to beat up on me.

According to the megastar dinosaur, he was considered an outcast in the
rough-and-tumble prehistoric world because he was different. His voice
lost its usual enthusiasm as he remembered: They were big and mean and
tough. I was soft and weak–plush, even–and they hurt me for it. They
hated me. A strange, unfamiliar glint came into the stars eyes.
But I outlasted them all, anyway. I showed them.

Scientists on the Virtual World News permanent payroll claim that it was
Barneys differences that saved his hide, when all the other dinosaurs
disappeared. Though the cause of the extinction (now known to have been
only a near-extinction) remains a mystery, it is now believed that
giant space creatures may have descended in hunger–and eaten the
dinosaurs. Barney, however, was unpalatable, being entirely too sweet
for the extraterrestrial diners. In addition, having plush upholstery-type
hide, rather than the normal dino-hide made him appear to the Visitors
as somewhat similar to our gumdrops–which, of course, no one in their
right mind would eat.

The makers of Jurassic Park, including Spielberg himself, are contesting
Barneys claim to the name Tyrannosaurus. Dont be stupid,
Spielberg reportedly responded. I made up the name myself. Its all
made up. Its all fantasy. Besides, Barneys just a sick little guy
in a big purple suit. Ive seen him on the Paramount lot. Hes
no creature. Hes just creepy.

Other dinosaurs were extinct at press time, and unavailable for comment.

–Tabloid Kerry
Exclusive to the Virtual World News

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