Old and New Jokes

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, Oh, look! A nut! The second squirrel jumped on it and said, It’s my nut!

The first squirrel said, That’s not fair! I saw it first!

Well, you may have seen it, but I have it, argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute. The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, Now, give me the nut. He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.

Then he reached over and said, And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Hi stranger, my name is Mike. Ill give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.

The man says, Thanks…Mikes Place?

Nope.

Mikes Tavern?

No,

Mikes Pub?

No, but heres a free beer anyway. Nobody ever gets it. The joints name is Sallys Leggs!

Thats a good one. the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and asks him what he is doing there. He responds, Im just waiting for Sallys Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!

Al morir, un tipo llega a las puertas del Paraíso y le manifiesta a San Pedro su deseo de entrar. El Portero Celestial inquiere:

¿Qué has hecho de bueno en la tierra?

Una vez le regale diez dólares a un pobre.

¿Y qué más?

Otro día le di cinco dólares a un ciego.

Adelante, ¿qué más cosas buenas hiciste?

Ninguna, eso es todo.

Entonces, San Pedro se levanta y se dirige a un ángel:

¡Devuélvele quince dólares a este imbécil y me lo mandas directo al infierno!

Q: How many Queens students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two – one to change the bulb, and one to throw the old bulb at UNC-Charlotte students.

Loggs Rebuttal to Grays Law: n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks.

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, I dont know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out, and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesnt work out? they wonder, Are we stuck together forever?

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes, he informs the couple, You can get married in Heaven.

Great, says the couple, but what if things dont work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

Whats wrong? exclaims the frightened couple. Come on! St. Peter exclaims, It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have any idea how long its going to take for me to find a lawyer!?

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.

During one Sundays sermon he told them, If one more person confesses to adultery, Ill quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: fallen.

From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had fallen.

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You cant believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said –

I dont know why youre laughing; your wife fell three times last week!

Im not sure how theyre gonna make out, but a manufacturer is test marketing a brand new unisex personal hygiene deodorant – its called The Pit and the Pendulum.

Even now, so many parents are concerned about sex education in the schools. What theyre not considering though is that if the kids learn it the way they learn all the other subjects, they still wont know how to do it anyway.

A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act of love-making on a pathway in Columbia. The girl berated the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities. The boy was silent through-out the confrontation.

The officer arrested them both anyway. The girl was charged with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person on his weapon.

I always get to the airport early, so Ill remember what I forgot in time to go back home and get it.

It was bound to happen. Airline fares have become so complicated, its now cheaper to fly to some destinations than to stay home.

The airline I use has made a major improvement in its in-flight food. On many flights theyre stopped serving it.

I dont think they should perform random drug testing on all airline employees – just test the ones who keep changing the fares.

Unlike cars, airline seats dont have airbags. But you often end up sitting next to one.