What are the two things a cat is good for?
Altitude and distance!

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, What where you doing in the pond after midnight?

I was blowing bubbles. The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. Judge, I was blowing bubbles.

He then called in duck number three and said, So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?

No, Im Bubbles.

Youre so fat that when you went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much.Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.God then created themonkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree,acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world istoo much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Manand told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. Youwill use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You willdominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord,to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years themule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkeyrejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding hishouse and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.And it is so.

I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Dont try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. Hell then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so dont expect toomuch.)IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. Thats because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, Im going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.
The woman replied, Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?

The man replied, No, Im turning the heat off.

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, Maam, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.

Whyd the chicken cross the road? To show the blonde how!

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?

SPARKY!!!