A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor asked the man: What are you doing, walking the dog?

The man replied: Oh no, Im just dragging my toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions…

And the man said to his toothbrush: Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, Youve lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.

The cat thinks for a minute and says Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor… The Lord stops the cat and says Say no more! Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: All of our lives weve been chased. Weve had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmers wife with her broom. Were tired of running… Say no more! The Lord replies. In a flash, eachmouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.

About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, How are things since you got here?

The cat stretches, yawns, and replies Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels youve been sending are the BEST!!!

What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious George broke a glass or a plate? Spank his monkey.

A: To break on through to the other side.

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?

Well, thats probably how dogs spend most of their lives…

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods…
Cats have never forgotten this.

Heres proof that Cats are smarter than dogs…

You cant get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.Dogs come when theyre called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God!Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes.

Cats arent clean, theyre just covered with cat spit!

A black cow was standing in the middle of the road. A man was hauling ass around a corner with no headlights on, no dome light, no lights on at all. He slams on the brakes at just the right time to miss the cow. How did the guy see the cow?

It was daytime

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I cant reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while hes busy. Jack Russell Terrier: Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isnt moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! Im not afraid of the dark… Doberman: While its out, Ill just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle… Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesnt see anyone.

He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.

Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesnt find anyone there when he answers.

He looks down, sees a snail there.

The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, –
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, If I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.

The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.

The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word.

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable.

The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?

The brunette explains, My sisters a blonde. Shell read it slowly.