Q: Why do gorillas have big noses?
A: Because they have big fingers

A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He doesnt believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, Im sorry, but your dog is dead. The man doesnt believe him and says, I want a second opinion.
The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, Meeoowrr. The vet says again, Im sorry, sir, your dog is dead.
The man says, No, I want another opinion.
So the doctor brings out a Laborador Retriever and he jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, Rrrrr. The vet says, Im sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 500 dollars.
$500 to tell me my dog is dead? asks the man.
Well, the vet replies, Im 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 and the lab test was 200 dollars.

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey!

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHERS ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Roxanne Roxanne who? Roxanne corals sure do make this aquarium pretty.

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin head!

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together?
Giant holes all over Africa!

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.

The bartendar just frowns and says, Look buddy, we cant have any dogs sitting up at the bar.

The owner retorts, But this is no ordinary dog. The bartendar doesnt budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests, Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.

The bartendar says, Yeah right buddy.
Okay, why dont you and your talking dog leave the bar?

The owner says, Okay, Ill tell you what. Ill go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.

So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.

So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?
The dog says, No problem, and gets up and leaves.

The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.

Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?
To which the dog replies, Because I have never had $20 before.

Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
So they dont crap on the street during parades!