Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chickens bottom.

Whats the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same.

(just say it to confuse people)

A GUY WALKS INTO PETCO, HE GOES INTO THE BIRD AREA HE FINDS A BIRD HE WANTS TO BUY, SO THE GUY BOUGHT THE BIRD. HE TOOK THE BIRD HOME, AND NAMED THE BIRD CHEST.

THE GUY WENT BACK TO PETCO WITH HIS BIRD, A MAN SEES THE BIRD, SO THE MAN ASKS THE GUY IF THE BIRD CAN DO ANY TRICKS? THE GUY SAYS YES WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE SOME OF HIS TRICKS? THE MAN SAYS YES, SO THE GUY TOOK HIS LIGHTER AND PUT IT UNDER THE BIRDS LEFT FOOT, THE BIRD SINGS WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THE MAN SAID WOW THATS NEAT, SO THE GUY SAID DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING REALLY NEAT. THE MAN SAYS SURE. SO THE GUY TOOK THE LIGHTER AND PUT IT UNDER THE BIRDS RIGHT FOOT. THE BIRD SANG ROUDOLPH THE RED NOSE RAINDEER. THE MAN SAID THAT IS REALLY REALLY NEAT. THE GUY SAID YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING REALLY REALLY REALLY NEAT. THE MAN SAID SURE. SO THE GUY TOOK HIS LIGHTER AND PUT IT BETWEEN THE BIRDS TWO FEET AND THE BIRD SANG CHESTS NUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE.

A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside.

Mine says the man. My dog has just killed him, she says.

What breed is your dog? he asks. A Chiuahua, she says.

How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?

He got caught in his throat!!!

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouses armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retriev cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry Im late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-Im sorry officer, I didnt realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesnt come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesnt like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he wont get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think hes sleeping with the lady next door.
-HELP! Mypenis is lost…can you help me find him?
-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while Im on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang its head out.

q. What happened to the mouse when it crawled up the ladys leg?

a. Her pussy got it.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died?. The guy stumbles around and says, Um.. er.. no.. what happened?. The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

What do cows do for fun?
They go to MOO-vies!