Whats the national language of India?
C++.

Youre so ugly, your mom has to tie a steak around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, Sorry, we dont give beer to bears in bars.
The bear replies, If you dont give me a beer, Ill eat that lady over there.

The bartender says, Go ahead.

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, Sorry, we dont give beer to bears on drugs.

What do mean, says the bear. Im not on drugs.

Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. Ive got something to show you! Not now! Im eating. Oh come on! said the rabbit. Its really important. No way. Please. Its urgent. So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. Well, rabbit, he panted. What did you want to tell me? Hey, Teddy, the rabbit began, look how many berries are on the other side of the river.

One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor.He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As hesdriving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the oppositedirection. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take thepenguins to the zoo for me!""Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now Im taking them to the movies!"

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969. The other points his thumb behind him and says, Dog crap, 20 feet back.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you cant bring your dog in here.

What do you mean, says the man, this is a Jewish dog. Look.

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

Rover, says the man, daven!.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

Thats fantastic, says the shammas, absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!

You speak to him, says the man, He wants to be a doctor.

A preacher visiting his flock in the country happens to see a pig walking around on 3 legs. The preacher stopped by and asked the farmer. My son, whats with your pig with only 3 legs?
Well preacher says the farmer, this pig is very special to my family and me, well just 2 months ago, Im working underneath my tractor, the jack fell and the tractor was crushing me. I yelled and my pig rushed to my rescue, dug me out and pulled me away from the tractor.
Well thats very commentable says the preacher..but..
Thats not all preacher, last week my house caught fire and my pig pulled my 2 young daughters to safety. It even received a hero gold ribbon, from the village mayor.
I understand says the preacher, but that still doesnt explain the missing leg!
Well like I said preacher, this pig is very special to my family and well, we just cannot bring ourselves to eat it all at once.

Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer will accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

There are 3 hunters in the woods, theyre all telling each other what theyre are going to shoot. The first one says hes going to get a buck. So he goes out and comes back with a buck. Then the other 2 hunters ask how he did it and he says, I see tracks I follow tracks I get buck. So the second hunter says "Im gonna get a doe." So he goes out and comes back with a doe. Then the 3rd hunter asks him how he did it. The 2nd hunter says, I see tracks I follow tracks I get doe. So the 3rd hunter says, Im just gonna shoot at anything I see. So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten bruised bloody and totally trashed. And the other two hunters ask what happened and he says, I see tracks I follow tracks, I get hit by train!