Yo mama so ugly, it takes her a half hour to walk a block — cause she stops at all the hydrants!

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in
her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the
elephant says, Help me, help me. But the ant refuses unless the
elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her.
Replies the elephant, Anything! Anything!

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy
himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who
witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently
he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant: Ouch!

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!

A man named Fred owned a parrot that hardly ever stoped talking. One day the man was going to have an old friend over so he told the parrot to be quiet or else he would flush him. The parrot kept talking and the man warned him again. It didnt work. The parrot kept right on talking. The man took the parrot and flushed him down the toilet. When Freds friend arived he asked if he could use the bathroom. Fred said sure it is the first door on the right. When the man comes out he asks Fred if he has a tape player in the bathroom. Fred says no and than asks why. The man tells Fred that he heard something say I see your heini, looks so shiny. So Fred and his friend go in there and Fred sees his parrot going in circles singing Floatin Down The River On A Big Brown Log

how do u get sabrina to laugh on sunday?

Tell her a joke on wednesday

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, What were the people doing on the bus?

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, Yeah, but what else were they doing?.

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, Oh! They were drinking, huh??! The chief continues, Okay, were they doing anything else?

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, What are you doing? You cant outrun a bear!

His friend replies, I dont have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!

Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head? From chasing parked cars!

How to catch a polar bear:

Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond. Cut a large hole in the ice. Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file. Hide behind a nearby rock. When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!

One day a community decided that they wanted to find out whos got the most talented dog. So three people showed up. When the judges were ready, they asked a young boy with a golden retriever, What can your dog do? The boy replied,My dog can sit and stick his head out the window without drooling. Then a second girl came in with a poodle and said, Well my dog can shake hands and stick her head through the car window and sing!

While they were arguing over whose dogs the best, a boy walked in the room crying, holding a collar in his hand, but no dog was with him. The judges said, Wheres your dog? The boy said, He stuck his head out the window.