Where does a 200 ton elephant sit?

Anywhere he wants!

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…

"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that arent expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, Got any grapes?
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, Got any grapes?

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails?

Confused, the bartenders says no.

Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying Bach, Bach, Bach…

You might be a redneck if… Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, So what do you think of mad cow disease? The other replies, I dunno, Im a chicken.

What did the fish say when he hit a wall? Dam!

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

Now listen carefully, he told the homeowner, Im going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on

Ok, got it. the homeowner replied. But whats that shotgun for?

If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, the man said, shoot the Chihuahua.

SHARING A DONKEY

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the
donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was
riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, What a shame, he makes that
little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk
when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably
right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story; If you try to please everyone, you might as well
kiss your ass good-bye.