One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!" Without hesitation my freind knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, He gave you the bird!"

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.

So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.

Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal the salesman said.

What makes him so special? the man asked.

The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chets right foot, and Chet started to sing Jingle bells, jingle bells.. and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing Deck the halls…

So the man asked, What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?
Well I dont know answered the salesman.

So he holds the lighter between the parrots legs and instantly Chet began to sing…
Chets nuts roasting on an open fire…

How do you catch a polar bear in Alaska?

First you go out and cut a hole in the ice. Then, you line the hole
with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the
ice-hole.

One night, a father passed by his sons room and heard his son praying: God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.
The father didnt quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his sons door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctors early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, Thank God youre here — we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!

How did the bee hurt his back?
He fell off his honey!

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didnt allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
Just watch me and follow my lead, he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, Im sorry but I cant let you in here.

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, Why not?

The bartender replied, Well, we dont allow dogs into the bar.

But this is my seeing eye dog, the guy said.

Oh, Im sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever.

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he cant let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

But this is my seeing eye dog, said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, Sir, ah um a Chihuahua?

The man looked a little puzzled and then said, What? They gave me a Chihuahua?

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said No, I cant live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly.

OK, said the judge, then you want to live with your mother, right?

No way! replied baby bear, She beats me worse than Papa bear does.

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didnt quite know what to do. Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with? asked the judge.

Yes, answered baby bear, my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.

Youre sure she will treat you well and wont beat you? asked the judge.

Oh definitely, said baby bear, the Chicago Bears dont beat anybody.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint givin him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine. Ill fight em till I run him off or kill im, but I AM KEEPIN ALL MY COWS.

Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: Ill have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. Im certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting — the bulls equivalent of an Apes beating his chest or Mans bone-chilling, war-like cry of Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS.
Im just making sure he knows IM a bull!

On Monday Fred, an old country farmer, bought a mule from Luke, another old farmer, for $100. Luke promised to deliver the mule the next day.

On Tuesday Luke drove up and said, Sorry, Fred, but I have some bad news. The mule died.

Fred: Well, then, just give me my money back.

Luke: Cant do that. I went and spent it already.

Fred: Well, OK then. Just unload the mule.

Luke: What ya gonna do with a dead mule?

Fred: Im going to raffle him off.

Luke: You cant raffle off a dead mule!

Fred: Sure I can. I just wont tell anybody hes dead.

Several days later the two farmers meet up.

Luke: Whatever happened with that dead mule?

Fred: I raffled him off just like I said I would. Sold 500 tickets at $2 each!

Luke: Didnt anyone complain?

Fred: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

Look, she said, I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!