It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “Im going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant — much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

The winning entry in a competition to find the most unfriendly error message was this one, which appeared after all the users computer files had been deleted:

Were you sure?

Why did the moron throw the butter out the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.

Q: What did did the mother duck say to the little duck.
A: If you dont behave, Im gonna quack you one.

A man walks into a bar and says, Excuse me, Id like a pint of beer.

The bartender serves the drink and says, Thatll be four dollars.

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

Sorry, sir, the bartender says, but I cant accept that.

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. Whats going on here? the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, This is a Singles Bar.

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother."Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.""I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.""Ive got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I dont go anywhere because Im too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

Q: What does a chicken say when there is a fire in his coop?

A: Wheres the egg-sit?

Once i was driving on the motorway in my car and i wanted a piss but i couldnt pull over so i decided to piss in a empty coke can

5 mins later the police pulled me over and said whats in the can

now i got arrested for canapiss

Q:What did the elephant say when it saw a dead ant?
A: DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT…….
Q: What did the elephant say when it saw a live ant?
A: It stepped on the ant and then said DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT….

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you!
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, You have a drink named Steve?