The most effective way to remember your wifes birthday is to forget it once.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, Ah, youre an engineer — youre in the wrong place.
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, hows it going down there in hell?

Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

God replies, What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.

Satan says, No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him.

God says, Send him back up here or Ill sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, GM responds: Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? Their middle name.

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, Ill bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.

Bartender: Yeah! Sure…go ahead.

Man: What covers a house?

Dog: Roof!

Man: How does sandpaper feel?

Dog: Rough!

Man: Who was the greatest ball player of all time?

Dog: Ruth!

Man: Pay up. I told you he could talk.

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, or is the greatest player Mantle?

Why did the turtle Cross the road? To get to the Shell station!

Psychiatrist: Whats your problem?

Patient: I think Im a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Q: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog? A: A ravin lunatic.