Whats the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Maybe someday well find Bigfoot.

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

Why did the fly fall off the toilet? It got pissed off.

How many polish people does it take to milk a cow?

9, four to hold the legs, four to hold the udders, and one to tell them when to move the cow up and down.

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, Hey, guess what? Im a talking dog. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, Alright. The toilets right around the corner.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?

Father Patrick replied, I am so very sorry to hear about your dogs death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, theres a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe theyll do something for the animal.

Muldoon said, Ill go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?

Father Patrick: $500? – Why didnt you tell me the dog was Catholic?!

While waiting for a bus, the blind mans dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind mans legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man, What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?

To which the blind man replied, Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him.

Once there three male dogs who set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words liver and cheese together in an intelligent sentence.

Immediately the Lab said, I like liver and cheese.

No imagination at all, said the poodle.

Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, I hate liver and cheese.

Thats worse than the Lab, she replied.

Finally a tiny chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, Liver alone, cheese mine.

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasnt at her feet. She found him in his bed sleeping. She called his name, but he didnt get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldnt wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, Your dog is dead. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, Your dog is dead. She was like Ok, how much do I owe you? The doctor said $300She said, What!?!? How could it cost that much??He said $15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

Well, she said. The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.