A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isnt right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other hell give them both three wishes. The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet. The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again — poof — all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself. It is time for the bears final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesnt waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female. Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, I wish that that bear is gay.

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldnt afford to feed it. Hed never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,
000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. Hes carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,
000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.

Hed never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, no. Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, Remember me? The elephant nods yes.

The man then holds up his bat and says, Want me to use this again? The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no….

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables, and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, hes approached by the barman who says, Hey, youre not gonna leave that lyin here, are ya?

Hmph, says the man, thats not a lion, its a giraffe.

Whyd the lawyer go to Heaven?
Hell was full.

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

I was in that new restaurant across the street, said one. Its so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere–its so sanitary that the whole place shines.

Please, said the other roach frowning. Not while Im eating!

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half…

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

Who made that tackle? asked the ant.

I did, said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, Who made that great stop? I did, said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, Where were you in the first half?

The centipede replied, Puttin on my shoes!

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

No laundry the boy said, Im going to wash my dog.

But you shouldnt use this to wash your dog. Its very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, hell get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

Oh, he died, the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.

The boy replied, I dont think it was the detergent that killed him.

Oh, What was it then? I think it was the spin cycle!

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is…When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

A young blonde was onvacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming veryfrustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blondeshouted, "Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair ofshoes at a reasonable price!"The shopkeeper said,"By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself analligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly towardher. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to theswamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks And get me a whisky you cow! The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you idiot. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrots approach Ive asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or Ill kick you.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says For someone who cant fly, you complain too much!