Yo mama so fat that when she wore high heels, she struck oil.

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box…and it says….Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions) She looks around to see if anybodys watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter… Ill take one. He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down there. To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and…nothing. Shes totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. So, she does.

The man from behind the counter says, Ive had a few complaints earlier today, Ill be right over.

After the man got to her house the woman says, See, Ive done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, IM ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, because I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wifes wishes to adopt a cute little kitty

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Ed! she harkened. The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it. You know where the button is. I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).

Reset it yourself!

I am scared! She pleaded. What if it starts going and sucks me in?

Pause. Cmon, itll only take a second. No logical assurance about how a disposal cant start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from Big-ol-scary-machine-phobia, a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.

It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, Id have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, not without consequence, but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasnt a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She (Buttons aka the Grater) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. Whats the matter, cat got your tongue?

If they had only known.

A: If they dropped them, theyd break.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

What do you call a lawyer who doesnt know the law?
A judge.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died?. The guy stumbles around and says, Um.. er.. no.. what happened?. The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

UNIQUE PARROT

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique
gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what hes
looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees
that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesnt seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out
a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chets left foot.
Immediately Chet starts singing; Silent Night, Holy Night. The husband
is very impressed with Chets singing abilities and watches as the manager
moves the lighter underneath Chets right foot. Chet now starts to sing
Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way. The husband says Chet is perfect and
that hell take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this
wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the
parrots special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chets
left foot and the bird sings Silent Night. He then moves the lighter
under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of Jingle Bells. The
wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband
what happens if he holds the lighter between Chets legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the birds legs, and the
bird begins to sing – – Chets Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
So they have some place to put their feet.

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook. "But Im not a Giants fan," the little hero replies."Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter."Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "Im not a Jets fan either," the boy says. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "Im a Cowboys fan," the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".