Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful — she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way — but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

whats another word for fag?
Matthew Burciaga

What did the bird say after his cage broke?
Cheap, cheap!

Whats the only animal that has to be oiled? A mouse. Why? Cause it squeaks!

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, And get me a whisky, you cow!

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you witch!

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrots approach. Ive asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or Ill kick your ass!

Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says…
For someone who cant fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
Dear, she chirped, I think its time to tell him hes adopted.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

about who was better on his computer. They had been going at

it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the

bickering.

Finally God said, Cool it. I am going to set up a

test that will run two hours and I will judge who does

the better job.

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and

typed away. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports.

They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They downloaded. They

did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every

known job. About ten minutes before their time was up,

lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain

poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan

stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word

known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them

rebooted their computers. Satan started searching

frantically, screaming Its gone! Its all gone! I lost

everything when the power went out!

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all

of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this

and became very irate: Wait! He must have cheated.

How did he do that?

God shrugged and said, Jesus saves.

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets Saint Peter himself. Saint Peter says to the cat, You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know. The cat thinks for a moment and says, Peter, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor. Saint Peter stops the cat and says, Say no more, and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, Saint Peter is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; were tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we dont have to run anymore? Saint Peter says, Say no more and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, Saint Peter stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. Saint Peter gently wakes the cat and asks him, How are things since you got here? The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels youve been sending by are the best!

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, Dad, what happened to the birdie?

His dad told him, Son, the bird died and went to heaven.

Then the boy asked, Did God throw him back down?

A mother balloon is floating arond with her baby balloon. The caring mother tells her child to watch out for the cactus. The baby balloon replies, What cactusssssssssssssssssssss…?