A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the mans trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, You shouldnt do that. Hell never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!.

The blind man retorted, Im not rewarding him.
Im just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?

Well, said the farmer, that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.

Thats amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs? said the man.

Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didnt. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it werent for that pig we would all be dead.

But still, that doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs.

And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was.

Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs? the man said quite annoyed at this point.

Well, said the farmer, with a pig that special…
you have to eat em real slow.

As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.

As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains

the plan:

– First Ill climb up there with the ladder;

– Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;

– As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;

– When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;

– Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo…

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?

Well… explains the experienced gorilla retriever, Its just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat,

Shoot the dog…

Why do dinosaurs have to wear hats?
So their wives know which end to kiss!

Why was Tigger lickin the toilet?
Cause he was lookin for Pooh!

Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman Pinscher.

A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldnt accommodate her with an after-hours appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, Ill leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and Ill mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he wont bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldnt resist saying, You stupid bird, why dont you shut up!

To which the bird replied, Killer, get him!!!

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten oclock. Ten oclock came and went; no plumber; eleven oclock, twelve oclock, one oclock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasnt coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the ladys parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, Who is it?

He replied, Its the plumber.

He thought it was the lady whod said, Who is it? and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didnt happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, Who is it?

He said, Its the plumber!

He waited, and again the lady didnt come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, Who is it?

He said, Its the plumber!!!!!!!!

Again he waited; again she didnt come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, Who is it?; Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!! he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, A dead body! she exclaimed, Who is it?!

The parrot said, Its the plumber.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, Mmmmm, I smell sausage.

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldnt because of the two bigger moles.

The baby mole said, The only thing I can smell is molasses!