As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dogs mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dogs a genius!"The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. Its the second time this week hes forgotten his key!"

A little girl asks her Mom, May I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom says, No honey, the dog is in heat.
Whats that mean? asked the child.

Go ask your Father. I think hes in the garage.
The little girl goes to the garage and says, Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you.

Her Dad said, Bring Susie over here.

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dogs rear end with it and said, Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Her Dad asks, Wheres Susie?

The girl replies, Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and theres another dog pushing her home!

Outside a dog, a book is a great companion. Inside a dog, its pretty dark!

No matter how hard you try, you cant baptize a cat.

How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, That parrot repeats everything he hears.

Thats alright, the man replied.

So the man bought the parrot and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.

The cop hollered to his partner, Shoot him down, shoot him down!

Then the parrot said, Shoot him down, shoot him down!

They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.

The man said, Pop it up, pop it up!

The parrot said, Pop it up, pop it up!

They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, Hit a big one, win a prize!

The parrot said, Hit a big one, win a prize!

Then they walked into a church and sat down.

The minister was in the middle of the sermon.

He said, The Lord is above us.

The parrot said, Shoot him down,shoot him down!

The minister said, The devil is below us.

The parrot said, Pop it up, pop it up.

Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.

The parrot said, Hit a big one, win a prize!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home. The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word. Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable. The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?" The brunette explains, My sisters blonde. Shell read it slow.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

Q: Why wasnt the teddy bear hungry?

A: Because he was already stuffed.

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts!

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down nuts! And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didnt adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys.

I didnt know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didnt work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didnt want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasnt improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldnt take it either. I didnt bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didnt quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.