What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 5 drinks.

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.

He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.

The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.

He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.

He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, How deep is this hole? The farmer said, Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?

The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, No. The farmer said, Oh well. He cant get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.

I have good news and bad news, the defense lawyer says to his client. Whats the bad news? The lawyer says, Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.
Dammit! cries the client. Whats the good news? Well, the lawyer says, Your cholesterol is down to 140.

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for Gorilla Pest Control. When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, Is it male or female?

Male, he replies.

Oh yeah, we can do that. Ill be right there, he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. Im going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorillas private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and thats when you move in with the handcuffs!

The man goes pale and asks, Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?

The service guy replies, Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, youve got to shoot that Rottweiler!

As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.

As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains
the plan:

– First Ill climb up there with the ladder;

– Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;

– As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;

– When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;

– Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo…

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?

Well… explains the experienced gorilla retriever, Its just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat,

Shoot the dog…

Person 1: Knock,Knock
Person 2: Whos there?
Person 1: Cows go.
Person 2: Cows go who?
Person 1: No, silly! Cows go moo!

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking companys fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didnt you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
Well, Ill tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–"
I didnt ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–
Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joes answer and told the lawyer so.
Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear ol Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck

Why dont anteaters ever get sick?

Because theyre all full of anty bodies