There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until theyre dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?.

Then the second Snake says Why do you ask?

The 1st one replies: I just bit my lip!

A midget with a heavy lisp goes to a horse farm to purchase a horse. The owner of the farm takes him through to look at all of his horses. The owner is really getting pissed off.

Finally, the last horse and the midget decided that he really wanted this horse. So he ask the owner if he could lift him up so he could look at the horses eyes. The owner did as the midget asked, and the midget said Oh my, thse got very pretty eyez.

Then the midget ask if he could lift him up so he could see her teeth, Then the midget said Oh wow, thse got wonderful teeth. Then the midget ask if he could see her twat. The owner, being very pissed,picked him up, and rammed him in and out of the horses twat.

The midget looked up at the owner and said. Oh my, yes she does have a very fine twat, but I guess I thoud have asked to see her gallop.

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and hes gagging and thrashing about.

Ill be right over, the doctor said. In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husbands mouth.

Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.

I know, doc, she replied, but first Ive got to get the darn cat out of him!

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep

I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice

For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside

I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back

For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night

I pray Ill always stay real cool
and keep the secret feline rule

To never tell a human that
The world is really run by cats.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks.

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cats motto: No matter what youve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that wont feed you fast enough.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You cant get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Cats arent clean, theyre just covered with cat spit.

Cats dont hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they dont, so thats all right.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They dont care, but they know.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

In a cats eye, all things belong to cats.

On the Internet, nobody knows youre a cat.

One cat just leads to another.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

You can always tell a cat,

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. Who is the most obedient? he asked. Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?

Five small voices answered in unison. Okay, dad, you get the toy.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!

10 reasons why a dog doesnt use a computer:

10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (Its hard to type with paws)

9. Sit and stay were hard enough; delete and save are out of the question.

8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Carpal Paw Syndrome.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway hes browsing www.purina.com or the 50 ways to skin a cat sites.

5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates.

4. Cant help attacking the screen when he hears, youve got mail.

3. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

1. Cant stick his head out of Windows XP.