A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He sidles up to the bar and announces:

Im lookin for the man who shot my paw.

Theres this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT!. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says OK for you and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the mans outstretched arm and says,Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. The man is astonished. He cant understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the chicken do?

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?

Well, thats probably how dogs spend most of their lives…

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

Ruff!

A: He pull out his Diners Club card.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn’t evolved yet.

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bulls testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins.

A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.

The woman on the other end of the phone said, My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I cant get them apart.

The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.
She said Yes, but it didnt work.

He said, Did you try hitting them with a broom.
She said, Yes, but that didnt work either.

He then said, Well Maam heres what you do. Hang up. Ill call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.

She said, Do you really think that will work?
He said, Well it just did for me!

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground."Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?""I dunno," said the second. "Lets find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waitedand waited, but didnt hear it hit bottom."Hmm. Lets try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didnt hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if theyd seen a goat."Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole.""Oh, well then it couldnt have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florists daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, “ll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know? “Just a lucky guess,” she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.”
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the boxs corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no. Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box. He said happily, “A puppy!”