1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. Theyre totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. Theyre moody. 9. They leave their hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts. Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

Whats the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?

Ones an African lion, and the others a lion African.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

Bacon and legs!

What did the elephant say to the naked man? Its nice, but can it pick up peanuts?

Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?

a. Welcome home, I missed you.
b. The phone rang twice while you were out.
c. Feed me, *NOW*.
d. So, I see you didnt bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.

Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?

a. Please dont leave me here all alone.
b. Have a nice day.
c. But what if I get hungry while you out?
d. Kiss that new vase goodbye.

Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?

a. A sign of affection.
b. A demand to be fed now.
c. Have YOU had YOUR shots?
d. An attempt to fix you like you fixed him.

Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?

a. Lemme out – I need to fertilize the garden.
b. Wanna go out and play?
c. Wonder what theyve got to eat next door?
d. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?

When your cat stares at you, it means:

a. It is bored silly.
b. Its trying to understand how its food grows in cans.
c. You are being sized-up for an attack.
d. Human mating habits are disgusting.

Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:

a. A primal instinct is being displayed.
b. Youre not feeding me enough.
c. It is showing a sign of affection by sharing.
d. It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned.
e. All of the above.

Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:

a. Let it out immediately.
b. Try to switch its interests to other things.
c. Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out.
d. If the other cats owner is attractive, maybe you could double.

Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:

a. It is showing you great affection.
b. It knows you are allergic to cats.
c. It has discovered the fine art of suffocation.
d. You should have let it out tonight.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. Wow, this is great, he thought.

It wasnt long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey, he called. Im a rabbit from the laboratory and Ive just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?
Yes. Come and join us, they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. What else do you wild rabbits do? he asked.

Well, one of them said. You see that field there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.

This, he couldnt resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, What else do you do?

You see that field there? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. Is there anything else you guys do? he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
Theres one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. Theyre girls. We shag them. Go and try it.

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
That was fantastic, he panted.

So are you going to live with us then? one of them asked.
Im sorry, I had a great time but I cant.

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. Why? We thought you liked it here.

I do, our friend replied. But I must get back to the laboratory. Im dying for a cigarette!

How do you make a cat be a dog?

Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go WOOF.

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a
walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat.

What is heat? Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on
car.

Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a
walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat. What is heat
Dad?

Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and
brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it
in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.

Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the
street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says
where is missy?

Angela said missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down
the street.

1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
2) How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.

4) There is a river you must cross. But it is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage it?
You swim across — all the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

A man walks into a pool hall with a monkey on his shoulder. He approaches a table to play a game, and sits the monkey down on the table. The monkey reaches into one of the pockets pulls out a ball, sniffs it, and then swallows it. The man calmly pays the owner for the lost ball and leaves.

The same man returns a week later with the same monkey. This time he sits at the bar for a drink, and the monkey takes a peanut from a tray then inserts it into his ass, then removes it and eats it. The bartender notices this and asks the man about the odd behavior.

The man replies Ever since he swallowed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it.