Q: Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
A: Its ass.

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck cant do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

What do you call a bear with no socks on?

Bear foot, of course!

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

What do you call lice on a bald mans head? Homeless.

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,I chewed up all my masters shoes, and thats why Im here.

The next dog said,I peed on my masters $1,000 rug.

The next dog then comes in and says,My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!.

And thats why youre here? asked the other dogs. No, Im getting my nails clipped.

Whats the difference between a toad and a horny toad? One goes "Ribbit" and the other goes "Rubbit."

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, Youve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.

The cats says, Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors. God says, Say no more. And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, All our lives weve had to run. Weve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldnt have to run anymore. God says, Say no more. And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

How are you doing? Are you happy here?

The cat yawns and stretches and says, Oh, Ive never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels youve been sending over are the best

Send

The programmer to his son: Here, I brought you a new basketball.

Thank you, Pa, but where is the users guide and manuals?

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

– To get to KFC !