A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender Ill have a rum …………………. and coke.

The bartender asks, Whats with the big pause?

The bear responds, I dunno… Ive just always had them.

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! Ive got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that Im a dog. Its crazy. I dont know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "Im not allowed up on the furniture."

A farmer went lookin 4 his goat in the jungle. In the same jungle there was this couple doing it.

The guys yells out, What a nice bush!, and the farmer hollers back, Would you mind checking if my goat is in that bush?

Whats the difference between a woman and dog at your front door?

The dog will stop barking once you let it in!

A group of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland. The topic of discussion was the new medical technology from their countries.
In my country, a German doctor said, medicine is so advanced, we can perform heart surgery on a person on Monday, and have him back to work in 2 weeks.

Thats nothing, a Japanese doctor said. We can perform an appendectomy on a person on Tuesday, and have him back in work by Saturday.

Thats nothing! said an American doctor. We can take an asshole from Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country is out of work the next day!

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that werent expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the birds attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music… anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmys extended arm and said, Im sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the birds attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, May I ask what the Chicken did?

Joke found on http://www.neojokes.com

Why did the chicken run onto the football field?
Because the umpire called a foul.

Easy code system to communicate with other cat owners and with the animal clinic.

Sex:
XFemale, spayed, no interest.
X+Female, spayed, but still interested.
X++Female, intact, but not particularly excitable.
X+++I am a kitten factory.
YMale, neutered, no interest.
Y+Male, neutered, but still interested.
Y++Male, intact, but not particularly excitable.
Y+++I would go through a burning building to get at a female in heat.
Size (largeness):
L—I fit easily into your shirt pocket.
L–I can curl up in two cupped hands.
L-Im somewhere between kitten-sized and average.
LIm average cat size, just right for your lap.
L+Im starting to slip off the side of your lap.
L++Im large enough to make a German Shepherd think twice.
L+++People sometimes mistake me for a mountain lion.
Weight:
W–Im so thin that you can count my bones.
W-Im slim, but healthy.
WIm an average cat, not too thin and not too fat.
W+Im a heavy cat, but its all muscle.
W++I need to go on a diet.
Claws:
C—Ive been declawed front and back
C–Ive been declawed in front
C-I have claws, but theyre covered with Soft Paws ™.
C+I have claws, but theyre clipped regularly.
C++My claws are unclipped, but theyre kind of dull.
C+++I have ten razor-sharp implements of death.
Note: C* can be substituted for C for a polydactyl.

Behavioral Traits:

These are optional fields that describe behavioral, as opposed to physical, traits. Consider omitting the corresponding code if your cat is normal (whatever that means for a cat!) or near normal for the sake of brevity.

I/O:
I+++You mean theres a world *outside* of the house?!
I++I live indoors most of the time, but will sneak out sometimes.
I+I prefer to live indoors, but go outside when I feel like it.
II drift between indoors and outdoors at will.
I-I come indoors to sleep and eat, but not much else.
I–Im allowed inside once in a while, but I eat and sleep outdoors.
I—Why would anyone want to live inside those big ugly boxes?
Temperament:
T+++I am a furry ball of affection and love everybody.
T++I like meeting new people and am affectionate with most.
T+Im shy about meeting new people, but am affectionate with those that I know well.
TI have a few special humans I really like, the rest I tolerate.
T-People are OK for feeding and playing, but not much else
T–Im annoyed by human contact and will avoid it if possible.
T—DONT TOUCH ME OR ILL SHRED YOU!!
Note: Many cats appear to be split-personalities, e.g.: T++/—
Activity level:
A+++All the photos of me are blurred.
A++I am always getting into, under or on top of things and am hardly ever still.
A+If you dont play with me, Ill find a way to play by myself. A Its easy to get me to play, but I like to sleep, too.
A-I work very hard at sleeping, but like to chase the occasional toy.
A–I may show signs of life in the presence of an excellent toy.
A—They thought I was dead, until they started the can opener. LOL!!!
Eating:
E+++Nothing even remotely edible is safe when Im around.
E++Im always hungry. What are you having?
E+I would rather eat than play with a toy.
EI enjoy good food, but sometimes the stuff I get is fit only for my litter box.
E-Ill wait until the others have eaten.
E–I would rather play with a toy than eat.
E—I eat just enough to get by.
Hunting:
HFood comes in a box, right?
H+I chase anything that moves, but am not quite sure what to do with it if I catch it.
H++I kill an occasional small rodent, bird or lizard, but would never eat one. (Well, *hardly* ever.)
H+++I regularly kill and eat small prey but expect to be fed, too.
H++++If I didnt kill it then I dont want to eat it.
Smurgling:
SI wouldnt be caught dead doing it!
S+I sneak an occasional smurgle.
S++When Im in the mood, I can smurgle with the best of them.
S+++Everybody leaves my house moistened with kitty-drool.
Note: smurgling is defined as kneading some part of a persons body or clothing while simultaneously nuzzling, licking or sucking.
Vocalization:
V+++Everyone in the neighborhood deserves the benefit of hearing my magnificent voice.
V++I have long, meaningful conversations with people.
V+I have a small but useful vocabulary of important words, like: Food!, Play!, and: Clean the box!
VIll let you know when its dinner time, dont expect to hear from me until then.
V-I know how to say Feed me!, but must be very hungry to do so.
V–Well, talking is a learned experience, Im trying…
V—Ifyou are killing me, I might squeak a little.
Fetching:
F-Why did you throw that thing?
FIll chase it if you throw it, but forget about bringing it back.
F+I can be coaxed into fetching a favorite object when Im in the mood.
F++I like to fetch and will often ask my human to throw things for me.
F+++I will fetch anything, anywhere, anytime. [Are you sure you dont have a dog?]
Intelligence (IQ):
Q—Every time I blink, I discover a whole new world.
Q–The principals of gravity still escape me.
Q-Im a little slow, but Im trying!
QIm an average cat: cunning, but no real reasoning.
Q+Im pretty quick-witted for a cat.
Q++I display near-human reasoning sometimes, such as double-takes and abstract reasoning.
Q+++Im working on my Ph.D. thesis.
Lap affinity:
P-Id rather lie on a hard rock than in a persons lap.
PIll use your lap if youre in the right room and Im in the mood.
P+I prefer laps to any other type of resting place, but they have to belong to people I like.
P++I am a total lap fungus. (Hurry up and sit down so I can demonstrate!)
Belly sensitivity:
B–Touching my belly is just cause for my taking your arm off at the elbow.
B-I like to lay on my back and show my belly, but youd better not touch it.
BWell, OK, you can rub my belly…but not too
B+Please rub my belly. Oh, yes! Do it some more!!
B++I like to have my belly drummed.
Purr activity:
PA–Me purr? Never!
PA-Ill think about it if you pat or feed me enough.
PAI like to show my appreciation when patted or fed.
PA+Pat me and Ill rumble.
PA++Ill purr as soon as you enter the room/yard.
Purr loudness:
PL—Theres something wrong with my voice.
PL–Youll have to put your ear against my tummy to hear me.
PL-Im a little on the quiet side.
PLIm an average purrer.
PL+Im a little louder than the average cat.
PL++Im a real power purrer!
PL+++Ive been known to set off car alarms.

Good question…

Do dogs have fleas, or do fleas have dog?

hmmmm.

Q: What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods? A: Ill never do that for two bucks again.