One Sunday morning John stepped out onto the porch in his bathrobe to pick up his newspaper. He noticed a snail on the paper, so he picked it up and flung it across the front lawn onto the sidewalk.

On another Sunday morning, about two years later, John was out on the porch again to pick up his paper, when he noticed a snail on the paper. It was the same snail.

Bill looked at the snail. The snail looked at Bill.

Then the snail said: Now, was that REALLY necessary?!

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, Im so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldnt come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away. The brother thought about it and apologized. "So hows Mom?" asked the man."Shes on the roof and wont come down."

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.

The bartendar just frowns and says, Look buddy, we cant have any dogs sitting up at the bar.

The owner retorts, But this is no ordinary dog. The bartendar doesnt budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests, Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.

The bartendar says, Yeah right buddy. Okay, why dont you and your talking dog leave the bar?

The owner says, Okay, Ill tell you what. Ill go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.

So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.

So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him? The dog says, No problem, and gets up and leaves.

The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.

Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before? To which the dog replies, Because I have never had $20 before.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbors kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. Hey boy, whatcha got there?
Roll of chicken wire.

What you gonna do with that?

Gonna catch some chickens.

You damn fool! You cant catch chickens with chicken wire! The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. Hey boy, whatcha got there?

Roll of duct tape.

What you gonna do with that?

Gonna catch me some ducks.

You damn fool! You cant catch ducks with duct tape!
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Hey boy, whatcha got there?

Its a pussy willow.

Wait up…Ill get my hat.

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, How do you get to the other side?

You are on the other side, the other blonde yells back

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, Im afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.

So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy? asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: Mommy almost died this morning.

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

Well, mumbled Lucy, soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, Oh Jesus!!! Im coming, Im coming!!! and if it hadnt been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy.

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, What are you up to there, Tim?

My goldfish died, replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, and Ive just buried him.

The neighbor was concerned, Thats an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, Thats because hes inside your stupid cat.

A: To bankrupt the other side.

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.
Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.
Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
Yes, we can do this for you.
Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things dont work out theres a possibility that we could be divorced? To which St. Peter answered It took me six months to find a priest up here…how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?

A: A happy pit bull.