A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the

bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast

asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet

and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down- stairs

for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and

his wife pouring coffee. Howd you get down her so fast? he asked.

We were just making love!

Oh my God, his wife gasped, Thats my mother up there! She came

over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down

for awhile.

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. Mother, I cant believe

this happened. Why didnt you say something? The mother-in-law

huffed, I havent spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasnt about to start now!

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way.

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, Gimme a chap stick.

The pharmacist asks the duck, Will that be cash or charge?
The duck replies, Just put it on my bill.

The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk, Give me a box of condoms.

The clerk says, Do you want me to also put them on your bill?
The duck says, Hell no, Im not that kind of duck!

E-Mail flames from some guy named Fluffy.
Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
You find youve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.
Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.
Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna.
Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of
CyberDog.
Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
On IRC youre known as the IronMouser.
Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
Written by Dave Fore.

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was …Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….

Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, Thats a nice kitty. Drop the pill in its mouth.

Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in – quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you wont be able to see what you are doing. Thats just as well.

Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.

Now pull yourself together. Whos the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, Whos the the boss here anyway? Open cats mouth, take pill & ….Oooops!

This isnt working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on floor.

Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

Flatten cats front & back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man – or woman!

Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cats head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

Drop pill into cats mouth and poke gently. Voila! Its done!

Vacuum up loose fur (cats). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

Take two asprins and lie down.

A squirrel is chillin in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.
Whatcha doin here? asks the squirrel.
Im here to eat some apples.
But this is a pine tree!
I know. I brought my own apples.

A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A Golden Retriever.

A man walks into a bar with a sandwich on his shoulder.
The bartender turns, looks at him and says, Sorry sir, we dont serve food here!!