An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldnt get out of her room.

You cant get out of your room? the captain asked, Why not?

The stewardess replied, There are only three doors in here, she cried, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!

alt.sex.lesbian.steel_workers
alt.aviation.kamikazi.pilots
alt.sex.gay.policemen
alt.sex.straight_actors_guild
alt.aviation.hang_gliders.quadraplegic
comp.os.win95.happy_users
alt.military.deutchland.ss.former.hit-squad.members
alt.religion.jewish.oversexed.girls
alt.justice.free.charles.manson
alt.medical.proctologist.talk

Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing various subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen … Now Dasher, now Dancer … et al. – guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albions floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsuite facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.

AS THEY GET OLD…

– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

– Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

– Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

– Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

– Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

– Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

– Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

– Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

– Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

– Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

– Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

– Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

– Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

– Old investors never die, they just roll over.

– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…

– Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

– Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

– Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

– Old owls never die, they just dont give a hoot.

– Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

– Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

– Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

– Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….

– Old printers never die, theyre just not the type.

– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

– Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

– Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

– Old students never die, they just get degraded.

– Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

– Walt Disney didnt die. Hes in suspended animation.

– Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

– Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

This IT support pilot fish gets a trouble ticket for a users CD-ROM drive that isnt working correctly.

But its been a long week with too many dumb users, and fish is more than a little jaundiced. Heck, I dont even know exactly what the problem is, but my first thought is that the customer isnt able to listen to her audio CDs, he says.

I drift off in thought and begin making my assumptions, fish admits. There must be a real user out there whose PC is blue-screened … and then theres this flaky user whos whining that she cant listen to her Garth Brooks CDs. Hardly a priority! … These machines are business tools, not entertainment devices. … We never intended that people would be playing music CDs on our machines …

I realize Im causing my own pain with these thoughts, says fish. Besides, it might be a real problem, he figures – at one point, the company received a batch of PCs with defective CD drives that require a patch to work. Or the system BIOS might not auto-detect the drive. Or there could be a loose connection …

User is out when fish gets to her desk, and a quick troubleshooting routine turns up no problems with the CD-ROM drive – it seems to work fine.

But just as he is sticking a note to her CRT, in she walks, and frantically explains, I cant listen to my Garth Brooks CD!

You know, writes fish, you run these scenarios in your head, but you never think youre going to be so close to the truth.

I ask her for the Garth CD, he says. I plop it in, and it auto-starts and plays just fine.

So whats the problem? he asks.

User shakes her head with a distraught expression on her face, and blurts, But it wont play side B!

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, Look, I just made two people really happy. Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier. At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water.

Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below? asks a little old lady, terrified.

Yes, Im afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs.

And if I do this, the sharks wont eat me any more? asks the little lady.

Oh, they will eat you all right, only they wont enjoy it so much.

There are two moose hunters who hop

on a float-plane and fly to their



destination. When the plane arrives at the



lake, the pilot says: In three days, Ill



meet you two guys back here with one



moose. The plane flew away and the



men set up camp.



The first day they shot nothing. The



second, one man shot a moose and on



the third day, the second man shot



another moose. The plane came to pick



them up, and the pilot said: What are you



doing, I told you to be here with only one



moose, not two. The hunters told the



pilot that last year, the pilot let them take



two mooses (mice?). The pilot wanted to



stay competitive with the other pilots and



made an exception this time to let the



hunters take two mooses. With the extra



weight, the plane barely got off the lake,



then hit a tree and crashed. One hunter



crawled over to his buddy to see if he was



hurt. He shook him, then he woke up and



said, dazed: Where are we? The first



man answered: About 100 feet from



where we crashed last year.

This is a bit of light relief from an internal web site here at
Netscape. Apparently, it has been excerpted from Masquerade: The
Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II, Seymour Reit (Signet,
1980):

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale
that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied
pilots. The German airfield, constructed with meticulous care,
was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks,
and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the
last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF
plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once,
and dropped a large wooden bomb.

The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was LtGen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for the allies.

The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded in combat and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced sink us), the shoulder patch of the US Armys 45th. Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitlers private train was named Amerika. All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions, your chance of being Killed was 71%.

Not that bombers were helpless. A B-17 carried 4 tons of bombs and 1.5 tons of machine gun ammo. The US 8th Air Force shot down 6,098 fighter planes, 1 for every 12,700 shots fired.

Germanys power grid was much more vulnerable than realized. One estimate is that if just 1% of the bombs dropped on German industry had instead been dropped on power plants German industry would have collapsed.

Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. The tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing.

Worse yet the tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasnt worth the effort.

A number of air crewman died of farts.(ascending to 20,000 ft. in an unpressurized aircraft causes intestinal gas to expand 300%).

The Russians destroyed over 500 German aircraft by ramming them in mid-air (they also sometimes cleared mine fields by marching over them). It takes a brave man not to be a hero in the Red Army – Joseph Stalin

The US Army had more ships than the US Navy.

The German Air Force had 22 infantry divisions, 2 armor divisions and 11 paratroop divisions. None of them were capable of airborne operations. The German Army had paratroops that WERE capable of airborne operations. Go figure.

When the US Army landed in North Africa, among the equipment brought ashore was 3 complete Coca-Cola bottling plants.

Among the first Germans captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for The German Army until the US Army captured them.

A malfunctioning toilet sank German submarine U-120.

The Graf Spee never sank. The scuttling attempt failed and the ship was bought as scrap by the British. On board was Germanys newest radar system.

One of Japans methods of destroying tanks was to bury a very large artillery shell with only the nose exposed. When a tank came near enough a soldier would whack the shell with a hammer. Lack of weapons is no excuse for defeat. – LtGen. Mutaguchi

Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the fire fight. It would have been worse if there had been Japanese on the island.

The MISS ME was an unarmed Piper Cub. While spotting for the US artillery her pilot saw a similar German plane doing the same thing. He dove on the German plane and he and his co-pilot fired their pistols damaging the German plane enough that it had to make a forced landing. Whereupon they landed and took the Germans prisoner. I dont know where they put them since the MISS ME only had 2 seats.

Most members of the Waffen SS were not German.

The only nation that Germany declared war on was the USA.

During the Japanese attack on Hong Kong British officers objected to Canadian infantrymen taking up positions in the officers mess. No enlisted men allowed you know.

Nuclear physicist Niels Bohr was rescued in the nick of time from German occupied Denmark. While Danish resistance fighters provided covering fire he ran out the back door of his home stopping momentarily to grab a beer bottle full of precious Heavy Water. He finally reached England still clutching the bottle. Which contained beer. I suppose some German drank the Heavy Water.