A friend of mine, while waiting for his airplane, saw a pilot walk
by carrying his bag. On a sticker on the bag, in large letters,
was the word CAUTION. Leaning closer, my friend read, To make
the little houses get smaller, pull back on the stick.

There are 3 ladies on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.



A chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up.





A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The chinese lady replied that if she lookod beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first,On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewellery.





An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.



The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.





Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off.





Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the Black Box first.

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilots preflight check he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So, a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. He finally gets to the air base only to find that the latrine pump has been left outdoors and is frozen solid so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He finally arrives at the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As hes leaving the plane, the pilot, an Air Force Major, stops him and says, Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and Im going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished. The poor guy says, Sir, with all due respect, Im not your son. Im an Enlisted Airman in the United States Air Force. I have one stripe, its two thirty in the morning, its twenty degrees below zero and my specialty here is to pump crap from an aircraft. Now just what form of punishment did you have in mind?

Overheard in a restaurant last night:

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision
exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor
used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded
to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that shed been hoodwinked.

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could
not contain her curiosity. How is it that someone with your eyesight can
manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the
plane out to the runway?

Well, says the pilot, its really not very hard. All you have to do is
follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And
besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years.

I can understand that, replies the doctor. But what about the take-off?

Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to
full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!

But once youre aloft?

Oh, everythings fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our
destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty
much flies itself.

But I still dont see how you land!

Oh, thats the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airports radio
beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and
wait for the co-pilot to yell, AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! pull the nose up, and
the plane lands just fine!

Aaron Endelman

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”

This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do Kamakazie pilots wear helmets?

Why do they sterlize needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.



The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.



People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.



The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.



After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position.



The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.

This is Captain of your plane speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard Indian Airways flight 596 Bombay to GOA. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Arabian Sea.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!

This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.Thats me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage? she asked.

No, thanks, replied the vultures. Theyre carrion.