At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: Thank you for participating in Deltas physical fitness program.

INTER OFFICE MEMORANDUM

SUBJECT: Solution to Y2K Problem



Factory Networks is pleased to announce the successful completion of a pilot program that was developed to establish a low-cost solution to the Year 2000 issue. In accordance with the wishes of the our manager, at meeting last week, we have been asked to implement this plan on a group-wide basis ASAP. Our new goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.



There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems

2. Reduction in technical problems

3. Major reduction in software costs.

4. Smaller learning curve for our managers.





As part of our continuing effort to be proactive in our customer relations, we are including the most frequently asked questions from our test group from the pilot phase. We believe that these questions cover approximately 99% of the issued involved with the new systems – though we recognize it is certainly not foolproof since we all know how ingenious fools are. Should you have questions or concerns with this plan, please contact a member of the system administration team and take it up with them.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics shed be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

Tell me, she said suspiciously, what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?

The actuary looked through his tables and said, A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.

She nodded, then thought for a moment. So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?

Again he went through his tables.

Extremely remote, he said. About one in a billion.

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!

1. BadAir: When you just cant wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: Were Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Dont worry. Well turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think its so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $5.

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, OK, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $100!

This catches the engineers attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. Whats the distance from the earth to the moon? The engineer doesnt say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, its the engineers turn. He asks the programmer What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks Well, so whats the answer? Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a planes windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesnt crack from the carcass impact, itll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive theyre developing.

They borrowed the FAAs chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineers chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.

Lou Alcinder was probably the greatest college basketball player of all time leading UCLA to three NCAA championships.

After graduating, he changed his name to Kareem Abdul Jabbar in recogniiton of his Muslem faith. He led the Milwaukee Bucks and later the Los Angeles Lakers to NCAA championships. Along with Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain, he is still considered one of the three best centers ever to play in the NCAA. After finishing his basketball career, he became an actor and is probably best remembered as the co-pilot in the farce Airplane

Even in college, he was fascinated by modern biological science and took part in an experiment whee cells were removed from his mouth, cultured and frozen where thy will be kept until science is advanced enough to clone humans. He has been promised that his cells will be the first used. Because of this the project at UCLA has always been known as Iced Kareem Clone.

The Perverse Guide to Getting Hired
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu

Chapter 1 – The Resume

Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the
essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab
a personnel directors attention with your sheer, overpowering
wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of
her parakeets cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well
run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the
appliance store, fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to
live in.

To grab an employers jaded eye you must create the written
equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunters
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
Check ME out! Im no shrinking violet! Sprinkle a bit of your
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Dont forget your
picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8×10
glossies from Glamor Shots on top.

Now that youve achieved that visceral oomph, its time to
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
salable skill. Lets look at some examples of putting the best
spin on a job seekers skills:

I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardees.

A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a Grill Coordinator, or perhaps a
Culinary Technician.

I subbed in for my nephews paper route one weekend.

Ah! So you were previously employed in Communication
Services! Describe yourself as a Journalism Representative.

I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
and watching Charlies Angels reruns.

You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by
referring to yourself as a Consumer Broadcasting Specialist.
Let them know how much time youve wisely invested in Popular
Drama Studies.

I worked in telemarketing.

Die you scumbag.

I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
in a puddle of my own urine.

I see! An Alternative Hygiene Researcher who throws
himself into his work!

Always remember to use active, can-do language in your
resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
possible:

Excellence (cant get enough of this one!)
Goal-oriented
Forward-thinking
Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
Striving (everyone likes a striver!)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.

Chapter 2 – The Interview

So now youve got that big chance to shine in person. Once
again, youve got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider
your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a
lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available
in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and
consider adding a little thumb twist manuever or a good high-
five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so
make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Heres
some suggestions for opening lines:

The voices told me Im perfect for this job.
I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,
that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze.
Maybe you cant tell, but Im not wearing any underwear.
Lets make this fast, Im late for my medication.
The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays.
I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their
starship.
I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?
I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,
it will be your last!

Now that youve made a big impression, make sure youll have
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider
handcuffing yourself to the interviewers desk, or perhaps smear
super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting Wonder twin
powers, activate!

Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A
gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new
dollar in the closing handshake while saying Guess Mr.
Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)
And certainly dont forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining
order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour
thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on stun.
11.The enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp — the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
10. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess
still looks fresh and desirable — after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looks like hell.
9.Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
8. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
7. One word: lightsabers!
6.The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
5.The Death Star doesnt care if the Earth is class M or not.
4. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
3. Picard pilots through the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter inpulse power. Han Solo floors it.
2. Aliens have make-up in other places than their foreheads.
1. Death Star vs. Enterprise!