An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.

Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are.

So they go down to 15 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer. Could you tell us where we are?

You are in a balloon.

So the one pilot to the other:

The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an economist

Then you must be businessmen, answers the man.

Thats right! How did you know?

You have such a good view from where you are and yet you dont know where you are!

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But dont worry we have three engines left.

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But dont worry we have two engines left.

An hour later the capain announced One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But dont worry we have one engine left.

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said If we lose one more engine, well be up here all day

[Ed: Reportedly told in the November 88 Playboy Party Joke Column]

Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada.
Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, Remember only one
moose, because the plane wouldnt be able to take off with more weight
than that. The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to
pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.

The pilot fumes, I told you guys only one moose, youll have to leave one
because we wont be able to take off with that much weight. Oh, cmon,
beg the two hunters, Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, youre
just a chicken.

Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to
bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake,
straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as
they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the
lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks
at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, Where are we? To which
the other hunter replies, Oh, Id say about a hundred yards farther than
last year.

Joe Dakes

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems.

Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.

He replied – Oh No! – thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.

The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess saying … Madam – I did not know there was a choice.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the Presidents staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the mans tractor.

Sir, the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

Did you see this terrible accident happen?

Yep. Sure did. The man muttered unconcernedly.

Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?

Yep.

Were there any survivors? the agent gasped.

Nope. Theys all kilt straight out. The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.

The President of the United States is dead? The agent gulped in disbelief.

Well, the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. He kept a-saying he wasnt … but you know what a liar he is.

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, Im going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, Look, I just made two people really happy.

Not even noticing Britneys stupid move, Christina bragged, Look, Im going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier.

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and cant stand it anymore, comes out and says, I think Ill throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

In the early 1930s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

$10 for 3 minutes, replied the pilot. Thats too much, said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, Ill make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, youll have to pay $10.

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.

Maybe so, said the farmer, But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

Now that your nookie days are over and your pilot light is out, what used to be your sex appeal is now your water spout! Time was when, of its own accord, from your trousers it would spring, but now youve got a full time job to find the blasted thing!

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave, every single morning it would stand up and watch you shave!

Now as old age approaches, it sure gives you the blues to see it hang its little head and watch you tie your shoes.

(Beware the zorgonians are everywhere)