Whats the difference between a condom and a cockpit?

You can only fit one dick in a condom.

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what the consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports: The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

– Audobon Magazine

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: Why dont I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy.

Hillary: Well, why dont you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy.

Al: Why dont you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.

Tipper: Why dont we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy.

This supposedly is an essay written by a college applicant when applying to colleges/universities. It made me laugh right out loud!

3A. ESSAY – IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When Im bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I dont perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller #9 and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary 4-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilots story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the SAME Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people inside.The same pilot jumped out with hands raised and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

Thought Id pass along a grant proposal for important research. The following letter was received by the head meteorologist at the Miami, FL weather service office.

Dear Sir:

Last night, my 7 year-old son saw the movie Twister. He has abandoned his dreams of being a train engineer and wants to be a meteorologist. Needless to say he was determined to make an even better tornado studying machine. He wanted to empty his bank account to get a tornado sniffing dog.

I told him that the U.S. Government funded scientific research, and suggested he write for a grant. I thought you may enjoy his efforts, and I know that we would appreciate some kind of reply to his Grant Request.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Sirs:

I want to make an experiment to study tornadoes from the inside. I need a lot of money, so I am asking you for a Grant.

I will need these things:

1 helicopter
5 gallons of gas for the helicopter
5 pilots for the helicopter
1 stewardess to serve cokes
1 dog with a good sense of smell (not too big)
1 crash helmet for the dog
100 cameras
100 empty cans of coke (cut into little wings with a hole in the middle)
10 video cameras
1 Doppler radar
1 truck
1 camper lunch
2 computers (1 with pictures)
100 metal boxes for cameras (with a hole so the camera can see outside)
100 parachutes for the cameras
1 vacation for my family to Oklahoma and Kansas so we can find tornadoes

I think this will probably cost around $5000, so send me the money as soon as you can, so I can find a dog with a good sense of smell to sniff the tornadoes. I promised an old lady that we would bring her a video of the inside of a tornado, so I really need to get started.

Thank you,

Chaille

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, What was the problem?

The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, explained the Flight Attendant, and it took us a while to find a new pilot.

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.

Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss.

Thats not why its there.

Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, Ill be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please. When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. I told you guys only one moose! the furious flier screamed. Theres no way the plane can take off with that much weight! Youre just a chicken pilot, one hunter said. We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasnt afraid to take off. Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it. They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. Where are we? one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year.

The jet plane started to rattle. Quickly, the pilot turned northward. As soon as they crossed the border into Scotland, everything tightened up.