Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported.

From a Southwest Airlines employee: There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

Pilot: Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land… its a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

After landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. Whoa.

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted.

From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you dont know
how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children
decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines.

Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

From the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight…

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight
attendant came on the PA and announced: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate.

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
Sonny, mind if I ask you a question? Why no, Mam, said the pilot, What
is it? The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came
on with: Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal.

Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
youll think of us here at US Airways.

Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance with out, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen – Now Dasher, now Dancer… et al. – guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albions floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one… a semi-retired minister…Now, now, keep calm, folks he said. Lets all bow our heads and pray.

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray… except one fellow near the back.

Why arent you bowing your head to pray? the minister asked.

Well, I dont know how to pray, replied the passenger.

Well, just do something religious! piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat.

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that its all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 oclock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something…..

7. Im sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean well be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships Im used to.. so youll have to give me some leeway…

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. Weve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Dont worry! That one is always on E…

13. Get the parachutes ready…

14. Drinks are on me…

15. Ill have what the Captains having…

16. Hey captn take another hit man…

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?

Why no Maam, what is it?

Did we land or were we shot down?

10. In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on stun.

9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp–the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable–after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7. One word: lightsabers.

6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Collective with one glance.

5. The Death Star doesnt care if a world is Class M or not.

4. Luke Skywalker not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.

1. Picard pilots Enterprise through asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

Joke found on http://www.bright.net

The following began life as a Top Ten list of Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler.
it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and
soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly
offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular
nationality (read, the French.) Youll have to excuse the fact that some
of them are rather obscure, but thats what happens when you get a bunch of
political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you…

Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler

Land War in Asia
Changed name from highly catchy Schickelgruber to boring Hitler
Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln
beard to instill trust among subjects
Not buying lifts for his shoes
Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
Failure to exploit Eva Braun
Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi
image
Chose Deutschland Uber Alles over Lets All Be There as party
slogan
Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and
stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
Referring to Stalin as that old Georgian fat back
Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
Free beer in munitions plants
Lisp never corrected
Bad toupee
Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
Fell asleep in staff meetings
Chose Italy as ally
Land War in Asia
Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked
remarkably like a bullseye from the air
Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
Never had fireside mass rallies
Told Einstein he had a stupid name
Used SS instead of LAPD
Admired Napoleons strategy
Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid
him constantly
In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a
little country place in Hawaii
Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with
war advice
Major theme in speeches–liebensraum, or living room–widely
misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess pilot licence.
Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
Didnt put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word
got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town
in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
Breast feeding for too long
Passed up Finish tanks for snowshoes offer before invasion of
USSR
Drank too much at Beer Hall Putsch
Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his
own escape.
Forgot to write Dear Joey letter to Stalin before invasion of
Poland
Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous
invasion of Soviet Union
Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberlin in power
Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the fjords
Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined
credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited
for the punchline)
Came off as poor loser when Triumph of the Will failed to win
Oscar for Best Foreign Documentary–You dont like me speech
undermined image.
Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had Prince Albert in
a can
Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much
embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his
concept of the Oberdude
Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying,
The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are
you, a wimp?
Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at
the last second
Failed to encourage tourism
Being born
Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
Alienated Chamberlin at Munich by sticking an Invade me sign on
his back
Kept Colonel Klink in command
Churchill mistakenly thought Deutschland Uber Alles was a veiled
threat
Used same astrologer as the Reagans

A Pope, a boy scout, and the smartest guy in the world are on an airplane that is going down (because the pilot had a heart attack).

The boy scout says, Well, there are only two parachutes aboard. Who is going to use them?Since I am the smartest guy in the world I feel I need to use a parachute. So, he grabs a bag and jumps out.Looks like there is only one left, and since I have lived a full life you can use the other parachute. said the Pope.No. We can both live! says the boy scout.How? asked the Pope.The smartest guy in the world grabbed my backpack, not the parachute!

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: Why dont I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy.

Hillary: Well, why dont you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy.

Al: Why dont you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.

Tipper: Why dont we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Two men go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them: Ill be back in one week. No more than one moose – got it?
One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says: Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.
One of the hunters replies: Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a *big* tip to take both moose out.
The three of them argue for several minutes more. After the hunters offer him a large bonus, the pilot gives in and agrees to take both moose.
Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet…. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree.
The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says: Where the Hell are we?
The other looks around and replies: About 100 yards further than we got last year!