One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “Ill give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously. “Whats so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get angry.”

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my sons turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. Hes a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Your career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor… Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: Hi my name is… uh… Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says Hi when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night youre beginning to find your roommates cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. Im as sober as a judge. The shrubberys drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming TORO TORO TORO! in the middle of the night.

A man walks into a bar. Pretty soon another man walked into the bar. the first man asked the second Oh you didnt see it either?

This bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar.

The bear bangs on the bar.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars.

The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars and bash barmaids.

The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar,
especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen.

In exasperation, the bear bites the bar.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve bears who are on drugs.

The bear says On drugs?

The barman says Yes – I saw the bar-bit-u-ate

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time. The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and Im here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the day when we drank together. The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.



The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.



The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. Oh, no, he says, everyones fine. Ive just quit drinking.

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks its a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.



So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.



The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. Anything else, he questions. The hippie replies, Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.



Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!



So the barkeep returns to the hippie. That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right? Yeah, the hippie says, but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove.



The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.



You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”



She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, anywhere, any place… it doesn’t matter to me.”



The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, Im Jesus Christ.



The first priest says, No, son, Im Jesus Christ.



So the drunk says it to the second priest.



The second priest replies, No, son, Im Jesus Christ.



The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. and walks back into the bar with the priests.



The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, youre here again?

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when theres a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and theres a snail sitting there.

What do you want?

asks the landlord.

The snail replies that he wants a drink.

Go away, were closed, and we dont serve snails anyway.

The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, picks the snail up, throws it as far as he can, and then slams the door shut.

….. Exactly one year later, hes locking up again, and theres a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there.

What do you want says the landlord.

What did you do that for says the snail.