There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, Wow, these seats are big! The person next to him answered, Everything is big in Texas.

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, Wow these mugs are big! The bartender replied, Everything is big in Texas.

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, Second door to the right. The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, Dont flush, dont flush!

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you! The grasshopper looks surprised and says, You have a drink named Steve?

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. Hey Jack, youre a betting kinda man arent ya? Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind. Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop. Jack thought to himself, This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand Ive ever made. Okay Bob. youre on. Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, Okay Bob, Lets see what you got. Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000. Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check. Yeah, what about him. Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldnt you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.

A man walks into a bar with his turtle which is has two black eyes, 3 broken legs, a plater on his head and duct tape holding his shell together.

the bar man looks to him and says


what the hell is that thing

the man replies


this is the fasted turtle in the world

the barman


if it can make it across the length of my bar in 10 mins i will give you free drinks all evening

the man


its a deal

So everybody in the bar is waiting patiently for the man to put his turtle and on the floor and watch it go then the bar man says go, and without any hesitation the man throughs his turtle across the bar bouncing off the wall at the other side and falling to the floor.

The man replies


two shots of vodka please.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.

Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back…

Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?

Yeah, my wife…

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one… sets it down. — and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man leaves. On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I dont mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one… sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer… sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I dont mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. Its just that my wife said that I couldnt go to the bar and drink anymore… but she didnt say anything about my brothers."

Woman walks into a bar with a Goose
bar man say Who you looking at u Silly Goose!?!?!?
The woman says, Who you Talking to, me or my goose?
Bar man replies You, You Daft Goose!

A really sloppy drunk is draped over the bar. The bartender tells him, OK, youve had enough. Im not going to serve you anymore, so get out of here and go home.

The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, I told you to go home, Im not serving you anything more, youve had enough, now go home.



The drunk leaves again.



Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, Man, I told you, youre wasted. Im not serving you anymore, now go home, youve had enough.



Again, the drunk leaves.



Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, What the hell is the matter with you? I keep telling you, youve had enough already, and Im not going to serve you anymore, now go home!



The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, How many places do you work at?

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, IM THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, Boy, I wish I could do that.

The Bartender replies, Youd better try petting him first.