Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town? and the Jelly Bean says No mate, Im a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in.



So Smartie says Dont worry about it, Im a bit of a hard case, Ill look after you. So Jelly Bean says Fair enough, as long as youll look after me. and off they went.



After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.



After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says I thought you were going to look after me?



I was! says Smartie, But those Lockets are menthol!

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.



The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.



Jeez, the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.



He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.



Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.



That was nice of you, she says, looking around…

But wheres his wheelchair?

(woo-hoo! thats MEAN!

This gay guy walks into the bar and says,Bartender I am gay but I would like to stay and have a drink.

So he replied, Ok, you can stay if you go to the end of the bar and not mess with anyone.

So the guy accepted and walked away.

A little while after that a big John Wayne Character walks in as says, Bartender, Id Like a brewsky.

Well, the bartender gave it to him and the Character drank it in one sip.

He slamed down the mug and said,I fell like a stud bull! and the gay guy said,Mooo!

One day a cop was walking along in the ghetto. He came upon a guy sitting on the curb and thinking. He went up to the guy.

What are you doing, the cop asks.

Im just thinking about starting a bar right over there,but I cant think of a name for the place, the man replied.

If you can come up with a name for me Ill give you a free drink,the guy said. The cop likes this idea, so the first thing he thinks of he tells the man.

How about Susie, the cop suggests.

Susie, I like it. Come back tomorrow for youre drink, said the man.

The cop returns to the ghetto the next day. The guy is sitting on the curb again.

What about Susie?

the cop asked.

The man answered, I thought about it and I decided I didnt like it.Ill give you two drinks if you come up with a better name The cop thought for a moment and said Susies Legs The man agreed and told the cop to come back tomorrow for his free drinks.

The next day the cop returns, and sure enough the bar is there, but it doesnt open for another 10 minutes. He waits in his car. A young teen asks the cop what he was doing just sitting in his car. the cop replies, Im waiting for Susies Legs to open so I can get my free drinks.

A man enters a bar and orders ten beer. He drinks them and orders ten more. The bartender asks:
Why do you drink that much ?
Man: today was the first time in my life I had oral sex
Bartender: Thats indeed a reason to celebrate
Man: No, Im trying to wash away the taste

There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didnt get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, Im sorry buddy we dont serve strings in here. The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what the bartender said.
Ive been here before and gotten a drink, Ill go get us something to drink, said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, I thought I told your buddy we dont serve strings in here. So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.
The thrid string says Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, You a string? Frayed knot, he replies.

Aman walks inot a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.He steps up to the bar,sets the monkey on the bar,slidesthe peanut bowl ove to the monkey, then orders a beer. While the man is drinking his beer, the monkey takes a peanut,hulls it,looks at it, stickes it up his ass, then eats the peanut. the brtender sees this and tells the man,Hey!Get that nasty animal outa my bar.

What nasty animal?

The man replies. That monkeysays the bartender,Hes hulling those peanuts ,sticking them up his ass, then eating them.

Oh,Hes not being nasty .Hes being cautious.

The man says. How do you figure that?

ask the bartender. Well you see, explained the man,my monkey used to be a gluttion. Then one day a woman gave him a peach, and after passing that pit,now he makes sure it fits befor he eats it

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, Now cut that out! I warned you! and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!

…and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!