A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. You look great tonight! it said. You really look fantastic – And that after shave is just wonderful! The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. You BASTARD. Oh my god you STINK. Do you know, youre almost as ugly as your mother!

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

Ah yes sir, the bartender responds. The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”“As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. Maybe all I need is some fresh air, thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. Screw it, he thought.

Ill just crawl home.

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. You went out drinking last night, didnt you? she said Uh, yes, he said sheepishly.

How did you know?

You left your wheelchair at the bar again.

Kelly limps into his favorite pub…



My god! What happened to you? the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.



I got in a tiff with Riley, whispered Kelly to the beertender.



Riley? Hes just a wee fellow, the barkeep said surprised.

He must have had something in his hand.



That he did, Kelly said. A shovel it was.



Dear Lord. Didnt you have anything in your hand?



Aye, that I did – Mrs. Rileys right tit. Kelly said.

And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had

been stolen.



He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.



WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled with surprising forcefulness.



No one answered.



ALRIGHT, IM GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AINT BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, IM GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DONT LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!



Some of the locals shifted restlessly.



He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.



The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?



The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the squeezed lemon would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and several tablespoons worth fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, What do you do for a living?

The man replied, I work for the IRS.

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately for him, there is a pile of dog crap just inside the door and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself, walks to the bar and buys a drink.A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of poop, falls, gets up, cleans himself and then buys a drink.Trying to strike up a conversation, the little guy turns to the big guy, points to the pile by the door and says, I just did that.The big guy punched him in the mouth.

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.

So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that, replied the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didnt care.

The second Englishman remarked, You just dont know how to set him off… watch and learn.

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that, replied the Irishman.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. Youre right, hes unshakable!

The third Englishman remarked, Boys, Ill really tick him off… just watch this.

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!

Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me.

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On aproaching the door he read s a sign: “NO NERDS.” He shrugs it off and enters. Hes greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. “Are you a nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, Im a truck driver,” he replies. Hes allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. “What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “its nerd season.” “Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused. “Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so weve opened up nerd season.” So, with that, he finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerves to hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesnt know what to do. Hes gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, “STOP!STOP!” “What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season.” “Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you cant bait em!”

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, Six shots?! Whats wrong? I found out my older brother is gay, replied the man.



The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. What now? asked the bartender. I found out my younger brother is gay, replied the man.



The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women? asked the bartender. The man replied, Yeah, my wife does.