A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH! she screamed.

Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her.

An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.The Scotsman picks out thefly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.The Irishman reaches in tothe glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit itout, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He
walks over to the bar, and orders a beer.

The bartender says, Sorry sir. You cant bring that alligator in
here! Its a dangerous animal, and youre scaring all of the patrons!
True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was
standing on the tables, looking very nervous.

But wait! he cried, this alligator is tame! It wouldnt hurt
anyone! However, the bartender is adamant. If, the man
continues, I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he
stay?

Well, I guess so, says the bartender, however, youre going to
have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that tha
alligator is tame!

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. Ralph! he shouts,
Sit up! With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his
fist BANG BANG BANG. And the alligator rears up on its tail.
Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG. And the alligator opened
its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth.
The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as
the entire bar crowd gasps. Raplph! Close your mouth, but DONT
BITE! BANG BANG BANG. As the man pummels the alligator on the
head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of
biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says, Ralph,
open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG! and the alligators mouth opens wide
again.

There, says the man to the crowd, now would anyone else like to
try this?

A girl in the back says, Yeah, Ill try, but only if you promise not
to hit me on the head so hard.

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “Ill give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“Whats so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get angry.”

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.



Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.



The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.



When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!



On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.



The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?



Yeah, my wife…

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar! The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails? Confused, the bartenders says no. Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

Three men walk into a bar,

You think one or them would have seen it!