A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.



The barman says Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.



Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.



The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!



On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.



The bartender says Geez! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?.



Yeah, my wife…

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, Hey pal, you know youve got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?

And the pirate says R its driving me nuts!

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, Can I smell your Pussy?

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, Of course not!

The drunk man replies…….

Oh, then it must be your feet.

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, thats a really fancy watch.”
“Thanks, says the guy, “Its the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and itll answer me, telepathically.”
“Rubbish, youre having me on,” says the girl.
“No, its true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, Ill prove it. Ill ask it if youve got any panties on.” The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you havent got any panties on.”
“Well, its wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”
”Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “its an hour fast!”

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

I did a terrible thing, sniffed the drunk, Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.

That is awful, said the other guy, And now that she is gone you want her back right?

Right! said the drunk, still crying.

Youre sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?

Oh, No, said the drunk. I want her back because Im thirsty again!

a pirate walks into a bar and the tender asks Why do you have that steering wheel hanging out of your pants?

The pirate says,Ayyy… Its driving me nuts.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The barender says, Why are you drinking so fast?

The guy says, youd be drinking fast if you had what I have.

the bartender says, what do you have?

The guy says, Seventy-Five cents.

10. Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
9. I wouldnt have to explain why Im wearing that shirt with those pants.
8. I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.
7. I could actually tell the bartender, If anyone calls, Im here.
6. Id be painting the town instead of the house.
5. I could show my girlfriend where I live.
4. Id be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
3. The only weeds Id be concerned with are the ones Im rolling.
2. I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
1. I wouldnt catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, Whatll it be buddy?

The man says, Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make em doubles.

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why hes doin all this drinking.

Youd drink em this fast too if you had what I have.

The bartender hastily asks, What do you have pal?

The man quickly replies, I only have a dollar.

There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.

When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place.



When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other.



On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home.



This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each other.



One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful has happened, said I am awfully sorry about your brother.



The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said What happened to him? The bartender said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened.



The brother then said No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol.