I have got a drink problem…..

Ive got two hands, but only one mouth…..

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?

Yeah, sure thing, replied his friend, fire away.

Well, said the first guy, why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?

Its probably because of her speech impediment, replied the second guy.

What do you mean her speech impediment?

inquired the first fellow.

My wife doesnt have a speech impediment!

Well, replied his friend, you must be the only guy who hasnt noticed that she cant say NO!!

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him hell tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.

OK, says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
You have one wish.

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
Hey, I didnt want a million ducks.

The barman replies, You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?

A guy walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her. He says Would you like to dance? and she replies I really dont like this song. And even if I did I wouldnt dance with you. To which the guy replies I dont think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants.

A bartender asks a guy sitting at the bar, Whatll you have?



A scotch, please. The guy replied.



The bartender gives him the drink and says, Thats five dollars. What are you talking about? the man replies. I dont owe you anything for this.



The fellow sitting next to him at the bar was a lawyer, who decided to get into the discussion. You know, he tells the bartender, hes got you there. In the original offer, constituting a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of payment.



The irritated bartender says to the first guy, Fine. You beat me for a drink. But I dont ever want to see you in here again.



The following day, the very same guy comes back into the bar. The bartender says, What the heck are you doing in here? I told you not to come back!



The guy replies, What are you talking about? Ive never been in this place before in my life!



The bartender looks confused. Im sorry then, but this is really weird. You must have a double.



The man immediately replies, Thank you very much! Make it a scotch.

Man goes to the bar and says bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that. The man says Just pour them.



The man takes the first shot and the bartender says Hey, you want to talk about it? The man says No! and drinks the next 2 shots.



The bartender says Come on and tell me about it Ive got a good ear, thats why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.



The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says Ok, today was my first blowjob. The bartender says Hey great, have another on the house.



The man says No, if 7 doesnt get the taste out, nothing will!

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, can I help you?

The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO! This is a bar and we dont sell raisons.



The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!



The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?



The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO this is a BAR we dont sell raisons!



So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!



The duck yelled at the bartender, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.



The duck said, ok, and left.



The next day came and sure enuf the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, quack quack got any nails?



The bartender replied, No!!



The duck said GOOD, then ya got any raisons?

A man walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me two shots.

Bartender says, You want them both now or one at a time?

The guy says, Oh, I want them both now. Ones for me and ones for this little guy here, and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks He can drink?

Oh, sure. He can drink.

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

Thats amazing says the bartender. What else can he do, can he walk?

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, Hey, Jake. Go get that.

The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter.

Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock.

Thats amazing he says, what else can he do? Does he talk?

The man says Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor a Nigger!

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, Hey guy, youve got a steering wheel down your pants.

The guy replies Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!

An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer. Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, Thats disgusting. The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it out the counter and shouts, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD