A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.

Sure, said the drunk man.

Ill find Jesus.

So the priest took the drunk mans head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.

Damn, said the drunk man.

Are you sure he fell in there?

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.



One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.



Well the guy says, I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We cant be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18



The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say happy birthday, happy birthday!



The bartender asks so which one died?



No one.



But you only ordered two drinks!



Yeah, well, Ive given up drinking.

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender replies that he doesnt have any grapes.

The next day the duck walks into the same bar and again asks the bartender if he has any grapes, and again the bartender tells him that he doesnt.

This goes on for a week, until the frustrated bartender warns the duck that if he asks that stupid question one more time, hes going to staple the ducks bill closed.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any staples? The bartender says, No. So the duck says, Good. In that case, do you have any grapes?

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, I have four sons. One more and Ill have a basketball team.

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, Thats nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and Ill have a football team.

To which the Mormon replied, You fellas aint got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and Ill have a golf course.

Paddy was standing at the bar with a Rottweiler at his feet.

Does your dog bite, Paddy? asked Mick.

No, replied Paddy.

So Mick went to pat the dog and the dog just about tore Micks arm off.

I thought you said your dog didnt bite, screamed Mick.

Thats not my dog, replied Paddy.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

Im from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds: You dont say, Im from Ireland too! Lets have another round to Ireland.

Of course, replies the second man.

Im curious, the first man then asks: Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I cant believe it, says the first man. Im from Dublin too! Lets have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?

Saint Marys, replies the second man, I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable!, the first man says. I went to Saint Marys and I graduated in 62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. Whats been going on? he asks the bartender.

Nothing much, replies the bartender. The OKinly twins are drunk again.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers — Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.Then the Guinness President says, "Ill have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all arent drinking beer, then neither shall I."

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, That was a karate chop from Korea.

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,That was a karate chop from China.

The little guy got up and decided he wasnt going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and hes on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, What in the world happened to you, buddy?The guy says Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.Yeah? asks the bartender. What did she do?She hit me with her bag of quarters!

A cop pulls over a car thats been swerving across the lanes of a road.
"Get out of the car, please."
"But Im not drunk, officer!"
"Listen, it doesnt matter if youre drunk or not. If you dont get out of this car, Ill arrest you anyway."
"Fine," says the man and gets out of the car.
"Okay, now walk this yellow line." The man looks at the line.
"Which one of them do I walk on?"