A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink? The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rats music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. Sorry, the man replies, hes not for sale. The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. No, he insists, hes not for sale. The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

Are you insane? the bartender demanded. That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000! Dont worry about it. the man answered. The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rats a ventriloquist.

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "whats the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well Ive got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I cant tell them apart. I dont know if Im mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why dont you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think Ill try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "Whats the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I cant tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why dont you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guys general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

three men walk into a bar you would think the last one would of seen it

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.



The bartender thinks this guy doesnt know the difference, so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.



The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!



Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip…same reaction.



But the bartender still doesnt believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.



Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.



All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.



He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:

Shay mishter, tashte this! The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.



That tastes like pee!, he shoots back at the drunk.



The drunk replies: It ish. Now how old am I?

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, That was a karate chop from Korea.

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,That was a karate chop from China.

The little guy got up and decided he wasnt going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and hes on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, Got any grapes?

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, Got any grapes?

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails?

Confused, the bartenders says no.

Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile. 14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 – For some reason, theres salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Beas pancakes. 9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you couldve bought the automobile. 8 – Youre now the proud inventor of the Slim Jim: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, Hey, its Vomit Man! 4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long itll take you to find your pants. 3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 – Youre now sober enough to realize Drink Canada Dry is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long. But ya gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The man replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know its time to go home.

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?

Then the lady answered, Excuse me, I think this is a goose.

And the bartender says, Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the mans friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

Whats so funny? the bartender asked.

That stupid Dave! the fellow chortled, Hes so drunk, he thinks hes me!