A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog – After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high – maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar – if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time – if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink. A few minutes later he says, to no one in particular… All lawyers are assholes.

The fellow next to him lit into him. How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes! How have you missed that its just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and youd get slugged. And you should! If you werent such a jerk, Id pour my drink all over you, but youre not worth the cost of my drink.

The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. Look, Im really sorry, I didnt mean to offend you, he says, By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?

Lawyer? Im no lawyer, you idiot. Im an asshole!

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?

No, he replies, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?

It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.

Whats it telling you now? she asked.

Well, it says youre not wearing any panties. he said.

The woman giggles and replies, Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!

The man explains, Damn thing must be an hour fast.

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. What can I get you? asked the bartender.

Anything but a Canadian Club replied the seal.

From a recent Time magazine:

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. That will be
one ruble, says the bartender. One ruble! the customer protests,
last week it was only fifty kopeks! Well, replies the bartender,
its fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopeks for the perestroika.
Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised
when the bartender gives him back fifty kopeks and says, We are
out of beer.

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one… sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.

On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, I dont mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?

The man says, When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times.

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one… sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer… sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, I dont mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?

The man says, Oh, no, nothing like that. Its just that my wife said that I couldnt go to the bar and drink anymore… but she didnt say anything about my brothers.

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.

The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

Look, said the customer, I have no arms – would you please hold
the glass up to my mouth?

Sure, said the bartender, and he did.

Now, said the customer, I wonder if youd be so kind as to get
my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.

Certainly. And it was done.

If, said the armless man, youd reach in my right hand pants
pocket, youll find the money for the beer.

The bartender got it.

Youve been very kind, said the customer. Just one thing more.
Where is the mens room?

Out the door, said the bartender, turn left, walk two blocks,
and theres one in a filling station on the corner.

from Rude Jokes
by H. Allen Smith
Fawcett Publications, Inc 1970
pages 15-16

Duke McMullan

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.Gootness, its hotter dan hell today, she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, Vy nodt? So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. Ya know, Helga said, it is zo hot, I tink Ill have myself a cold beer. Anheuser Busch? the bartender asked. Helga blushed and replied, Vell fine, tanks, und hows yur viener?

…the bartender says wow, you must have had a rough day The guy looks at the bartender and says Yeah I just found out my older brother is gay So the guy leaves…the next day…the same guy walks back into the bar and orders the same thing. Again the bartender says wow must have another bad day The guy says Yeah, I just found out my younger brother is gay So the guy leaves…So next day..same thing…The guy walks in orders the same thing. The bartender looks at the guy and says Gosh man doesnt anybody in your family like women?!?!? The guy says Yeah, my wife.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, Hi stranger, my name is Mike. Ill give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.

The man says, Thanks…Mikes Place?

Nope.

Mikes Tavern?

No,

Mikes Pub?

No, but heres a free beer anyway. Nobody ever gets it. The joints name is Sallys Leggs!

Thats a good one. the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and asks him what he is doing there.

He responds, Im just waiting for Sallys Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!