A neutron walks into a bar. Id like a beer he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

How much will that be? asks the neutron.

For you? replies the bartender, no charge

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face. Owch! the chinese man says. What was that for? That was for Pearl Harbor, the Jewish man says. But Im Chinese! Chinese, Japanese, whats the difference? And the jewish man sits back down. Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. Ouch! the Jewish man says. What was that for? That was for the Titanic, the chinese man says. But that was an iceberg! Ice berg, Goldberg, whats the difference?

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small, he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer, he replies quite bemused.

Aaaahhh. Theres your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers… you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

I take it you now drink Guinness?

asked the doctor.

Oh no, Doc, replies the man, but Ive got the wife on American beer!

A man walks into a bar and asks for 15 shots of vodka the bartender then asks what it was in aid of he replied, i just had my first blow job the batender says well done have one on me its ok he replies if 15 shots doesnt take the taste of cum out my mouth nothing will!

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

How did you like that jump, buddy? said a proud John to a deck hand.

It was great, said the sailor. But why didnt you wait? We were just pulling in!

A sheepdog walks into a bar and sits up at the bar on a barstool. The barman is very confused but decides to serve him anyway.The sheepdog orders a double scotch and the barman says,
Im sorry for asking, but can you pay for it?The dog says yes and reaches into his fur and pulls out his wallet.That will be £26, the barman says.The dog looks a little surprised but he pulls out £26 and gives it to the barman who hands him his drink.The dog downs the drink in one and gets up to leave. The barman watches him and as he opens the door, he calls out, Im sorry, but we dont get many dogs in here ordering a double scotch.The dog replies, Im not surprised at £26 a time!

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice Id like to try the bet

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?

The scrawny little man replied I work for the IRS.

A mans been drinking at the pub all night. The barman finally says that the bar is closing, so the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face again.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting, So youve been out drinking again!

What makes you say that? he asks, putting on an innocent look

His wife said, The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.

I heard this joke recently from Martin Black, an Irish folksinger who tours
with his two brothers as The Black Brothers. In the Irish idiom, it went
thus:

An Irish walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guiness and sits
in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender asks him, You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time. The Irishman replies, Well,
you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia,
and Im here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink
this way to remember the days when we drank together. The bartender
admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an
orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. Whne he
comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, I dont
want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
great loss. The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns
in his eye and he laughes. Oh, no, he says, everyones fine. Im just
off the liquor.

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?

The cabbie says, Sure.

So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.