A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, Whatll it be buddy?



The man says, Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make em doubles. The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why hes doing all this drinking.



Youd drink em this fast too if you had what I have., said the man.



The bartender hastily asks, What do you have pal?



The man drunkenly replies, I have a dollar.

Joe: Well I went to the doctor this morning and told him I had to get some of those Viagra pills. The Doctor told me they wouldnt help my love life at all.

Bartender: Why not? I thought that they would do the trick for any guy.

Joe: The Doctor told me it wouldnt help me at all to put a good flag pole on such a worn out old building!

A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a
scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

Im on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and its today.

The bartender says Well, since its your birthday, Ill buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, I would
like to buy you a drink too.

The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two
drops of water.

Coming up, says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, I would like to buy
you one too.

The old women says, Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with
two drops of water.

Comin right up, the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
Maam, Im dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?

The ! old woman replies, Sonny, when youre my age, you learn how
to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.

There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didnt get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, Im sorry buddy we dont serve strings in here. The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what the bartender said. Ive been here before and gotten a drink, Ill go get us something to drink, said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, I thought I told your buddy we dont serve strings in here. So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened. The thrid string says Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, You a string? Frayed knot, he replies.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, Hey Senor, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.



The guy from Budweiser says, Id like the best beer in the world, give me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser. The bartender gives him one.



The guy from Coors says, Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors. He gets it.



The guy from Guinness sits down and says, Give me a Coke. The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.



The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask Why arent you drinking a Guinness? and the Guinness president replies, Well, I figured if you guys arent drinking beer, neither would I.

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.

A gay guy walks into a bar and says bartender give me a brewskie.

The bartender says, We dont serve your kind here.

The gay continues, Ill just sit in the corner and drink my beer and wont say anything.

The bartender says, Well, all right! and pours a beer.

A while later a cowboy walks in and says Bartender give me a beer!  Im so thirsty I could lick the  sweat off a cows balls

A voice is heard from the corner. Moo!  Moo!  Buckaroo!

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, Is this some kind of joke?

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator
up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. Ill make you a deal. Ill
open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute. Hell then open his mouth and Ill remove my
unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me
a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened
his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again
and made another offer.

Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try. A hush fell over the
crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly
spoke up. Ill try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying NERDS NOT ALLOWED — ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender says not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You dont even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls his shotgun from behind the seat in his cab, and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season.
Well, sure, says the patrolman, But you cant bait em.